Time flies by so fast. When I was in grade school, I loved everything my Mom had, shoes, bags, dresses, and make-up. I used to sneak in and lock myself in their room trying to wear them all- if time had been very generous with me, skipping the acting in her mirror would be a major NO for me.
I was this child who always wished to fast forward from childhood to adulthood. Imagining how an adult me would look like, I had this picture of a gorgeous woman with long, curly blond hair, slim long legs, walking on the streets with her high-heels on, with lots of men wanting her- that should be me.
Fast forward to adulthood, I must apologize to my 6 years old self for not meeting the expectation she had for herself.
About three years ago, I hit rock bottom. I was working abroad, away from my friends and family. I felt very lonely, and on top of that I found out my first love, my best-friend/boyfriend, who was back in our home country, was cheating on me. Have you ever felt like your physical body is alive but inside you’re dead? It’s as if I was barely living, not able to feel anything. Every emotion bounces away, as if I’m a cushion.
Not feeling anything is hard, especially when you’re supposed to respond but can’t, because how could one respond if one does not perceive? I panicked, for the first time, I felt numb, straightforward I told my Mom, “Ma, I’m going home. I know it’s sudden and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but something just doesn’t feel right, one more blow and I’m done”, I cried for help.
Weeks before my flight home, our Parish was having Lenten retreat. I knew I needed one, but my schedule was not in accord with the retreat. Out of desperation, I asked my friend to swap our duty, and thankfully he agreed. When the day finally came, I was feeling lazy, part of me not wanting to go but as it was already arranged and I had nothing else to do, I decided to go.
It was the first retreat that I attended not mandated by school but of my need. The priest introduced himself and asked for an apology because he only got the topic one hour prior. He was unable to decide on the topic until finally he arrived on “truth will set you free”. Deep inside, I knew then that this retreat is for me, one hour before the priest was undecided and so was I.
Minutes passed by and I’m not feeling the “retreat vibe”, then he ordered us to kneel saying “ask the Holy Spirit to know your truth”. That’s where my veil was lifted, and I saw my nakedness and it was bitterly painful. Only on that moment was it revealed that I had lived my life a lie, that I was not okay, that I had not moved on, I did not heal my wound, instead I bandaged it with pride and tried to be busy so I wont have the time to confront my feelings.
The prideful me cannot accept the very fact that I still love the one who betrayed me. At that very moment when I was being honest with myself before God, I begged Him once more for him, I’m begging God for the man who cheated on me. I cried to Jesus, “Please, please can You give him back, I want him back”. That was me thinking that if my ex came back, then I’ll be okay.
As I was pleading, I was unable to utter those words. I pitied myself for what I was about to say. I felt ashamed of my request, and as my tears kept pouring out, I finally surrendered my whys and hows. I remember myself clearly saying, “Jesus, this is very shameful, but what can I do? This is my reality. I don’t want this but how can I change this? Please help me.” This was what I tried to conceal, my pride prevented me from healing.
When I reached home, my Mom knew what was going on. She simply welcomed me with her warm embrace. Looking back, it was everything I needed. She waited for me to open up, not forcing any conversation regarding the matter.
Around the tenth day of my stay, I finally cried my heart out, “Ma, adulting is hard! When I was a child God knows how much I wished to be adult, and now here I am at 25, wishing that I could turn back time to be an innocent child again. Now everything is complicated, Ma, can I go back inside your womb?” Then we both laughed hard.
During my stay, I had the chance to visit the city where I studied, and it was fully packed with memories. As I was heading home, the driver took me to a different route leading me to the places we used to frequent. I cringed at the thought of passing by, but surprisingly as we were approaching the streets, I was able to smile. Right then and there, I knew I was healed.
Healing took place when I was finally able to be honest with myself, with God’s grace. From there I was able to acknowledge, respond and finally set myself free. One must go down to the roots, digging it all up to deepest parts, not setting aside a single detail, however small we think it may be. In truth, everything is necessary.
I find emotions to be very demanding. I had learned that they needed to be felt. It’s in our nature to run from the things that makes us uneasy, we’re very one sided, chasing all the “beauty” while running away from the “ugly”.
We all want what’s pleasant don’t we? Is it really in our hands to pick which emotions we want to feel just because we don’t want to be uncomfortable or is that just how we cope to maintain our equilibrium? Maybe that’s the reason why it’s easier to conceal.
But is there any success in hiding it? Who among us can ever run from our emotions? We can set it aside, yes, but it will always be on the lookout for the chance to expose itself again. The conflict in hiding and not confronting our truths is that we are depriving ourselves of what we ought to feel, what we ought to be.
By His grace, I was really blessed that He rescued me and let me know that it was beyond me. Jesus, in His tenderness reminded me that I took my gaze off of Him and redirected it back to Him. Was it painful? VERY! I almost lost my sanity, that’s the only way I can put it to words.
Looking back, I could have not done it without Him. Will I trade the pain with what I know now? NO! I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to be able to say I liked the process because I don’t, but I love the fruit that bitter phase has gifted me.
Friends, as I was running away from the pain, unknowingly I was also running away from Him, but by His love for me, He ran to me and told me my truth, and indeed cliché as it sounds, the truth had set me free. From temporal truths now living for greater ones: Eternal truths!
May we ask for the grace that we be receptive to His voice and allow Him to expose ourselves for in Him there is nothing to fear, all is welcome even the most darkest and bitter truths we hide from ourselves and to others, He loves us even then, especially then.
Loving you in Christ,
Nathalie
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